Remy LeBeau Institute for the Romantic Challenged2
by Bronwynne
Summary: More madcap hijinks as Remy continues to teach. Will Fio return to claim her Pyro?


Remy LeBeau Institute for the Romantically Challenged: Lesson 2  
  
Remy: Welcome back to de Remy LeBeau Institute for de Romantically Challenged. Our last lesson didn't go exactly as planned......  
  
Lance: Yeah. It sucked.  
  
Pietro: Shut up Lance.  
  
Pyro: Crikey! Where's my lighter?  
  
Scott: Why am I here again?  
  
Lance: Because you pissed off Princess Red.  
  
Pietro: Ha ha!  
  
Lance: Don't laugh to hard Speedy Gonzales. Only reason you're here is because a certian black haired X-Girl won't give you the time of day.   
  
Pietro: Eden loves me. She just dosn't know it yet!  
  
Scott: You're one to talk Alvers. Kitty wouldn't spit on you if you were lying in the middle of the street dying of thirst.  
  
Pietro: Well Mr. Sunglasses at night, I hear Jean won't even look at you.  
  
Remy: Mes Ami's, can we please focus?  
  
Pyro: (cackling as he makes fire girls dance) What about you, Gambit ol' mate? Your sheila can't even stand to be in the same room as you.  
  
Remy: She's in denial about her true feelings for me. She's just playin hard t' get. An what about you? Where's your crazy redhead?  
  
Pyro: (panicked) SHHHHHHH!  
  
Pietro: What's that firestarter? Afraid of a girl?  
  
Pyro: That's no girl, that's a psychotic demon from hell....  
  
(Eden enters with Jean and Kitty)  
  
Eden: Pyro! Don't talk about Fiora like that! Yeah, she may be a little nuts, but she's nuts about you!  
  
(The door flies open and Fio barges in)  
  
Jean: Speak of the devil.......  
  
Pyro: AHHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOO! (tries to hide)  
  
(Fio pounces on Pyro)  
  
Fio: Miss me?  
  
Pyro: Like I'd miss the flu. (FIo has wraped her arms around Pyro's neck again and is squeezing a tad to tight) GAAAAAK!  
  
Lance: One of these days she'd gonna make his head explode. That would be really funny.  
  
Pietro: (speeds over to Eden) Hey E. Wanna see a real man?  
  
Eden: Ugh. I'll let you know when I find one.  
  
Pietro: Me!  
  
Eden: NO!  
  
Pyro: Hungh......(still gasping for breath)  
  
Kitty: Ha!  
  
Lance: Kitty!  
  
Kitty: EW!  
  
Scott: Jean?  
  
Jean: Whatever.  
  
Fio: EEEEEEE!  
  
Pietro: Edie....  
  
Eden: AHHH!  
  
Remy: (shaking head) God...  
  
Pyro: Urk......... (begins to turn blue)  
  
Fio: Whoops!  
  
Lance: HA!  
  
Kitty: Jerk.  
  
Remy: STOP DIS!  
  
(Everyone shuts up and looks at Remy)  
  
Remy: Edie, petite, we are still short a femme.  
  
Eden: (Glances at watch) She'll be here in 5........4...........3............2...........1..........  
  
BAMPH!  
  
(Everyone begins to choke as the smell of sulfer fills the room. Kurt teleports in with an angry Rogue)  
  
Rogue: NO! NOT THIS AGAIN!   
  
Remy: Chere!  
  
Rogue: AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Pyro: Help..............me............  
  
Rogue: Well I see Fio's here.  
  
Fio: Hiya!  
  
Jean: You know, he's gonna bolt when you let him go.  
  
Fio: No, he won't. (pulls out a bright shiny Zeppo lighter)  
  
Pyro: So.... beautiful......  
  
Fio: You're so sweet!  
  
Lance: Uh when you give him that, he's gonna run away.  
  
Fio: No he won't. (sticks lighter to a string and makes a Zeppo necklace and puts it on)  
  
Kitty: Like, smart girl.  
  
Lance: You're smart Kitty!  
  
Kitty: EW! Like , go away Lance!  
  
Eden: Hmph.  
  
Lance: (to Eden) What?  
  
Eden: (throws hands up in the air) Like I'm going to tell you, jerk!  
  
Rogue: Can I leave now?  
  
Kurt: No sis, help your boyfriend.  
  
Remy: Yes chere. Help your boyfiend.  
  
Rogue: (gritting teeth) I ............DON'T...............HAVE...................A...................BOYFRIEND!  
  
Remy: (puts arm around Rogue's shoulders) I get it, you have a special pet name for me.  
  
Rogue: Well, as a matter of fact, I do!  
  
Eden: (pushing Pietro away as he tries to kiss her) REALLY? WHAT?  
  
Rogue: A great big pain in my ass.  
  
Scott: HA HA GUMBO!  
  
Jean: Shut up Scott.  
  
Pyro: She told you shades.  
  
Remy: (has fake look of hurt on his face) Why chere, you wound my heart.  
  
Rogue: (grumbles) Whatever.  
  
Lance: So, Kitty.........  
  
Kitty: LEAVE ME ALONE ALVERS!  
  
Eden: Kurt! Help me!  
  
(Eden runs over to Kurt and hides behind him)  
  
Kurt: Edie, have you been sniffing white out again?  
  
Rogue: That would explain a lot.......  
  
Eden: (still hiding behind Kurt) No! I never sniffed white out. I was bored in studyhall and used it to paint my nails. NOW SHUT UP! I don't want Pietro to find me.  
  
(Pietro is speeding all around looking for Eden)  
  
Kitty: (to Jean) So, like what did Scott do to like, tick you off and stuff?  
  
Jean: Well, I asked him if my butt looked big in these pants and he said, 'It looks the same!'  
  
Scott: Well it did!  
  
Lance: (laughing) Smooth move shades.  
  
Eden: (throws book at Lance's head) Shut up Jerk. At least he dosn't confuse brown hair with black.  
  
Lance: (dodges book) Well your hair is brown right?  
  
Eden: (furious) IT'S BLACK YOU MORON!  
  
Lance: (bored to Pietro) Eden's hiding behind Kurt.  
  
Pietro: Heya E, wanna see me flex my muscles? (flexes bony arms)  
  
Eden: Kurt! Help me!  
  
Pyro: Forget her, HELP ME! (Fio has once again shackled Pyro to her, this time using ankle shackles like you see in jail movies)  
  
Fio: So, Pyro, Honey, have you thought about how many people you want to invite to the wedding?  
  
Rogue: Is there any place worse than hell? If not, this is it.  
  
Remy: Chere, you know any place that has the two of us is a dream come true.  
  
Rogue: (Glaring at Remy) Your village called. Their idiot is missing.  
  
(Lance laughs at Remy who charges two cards and tosses them at Lances' head. He ducks and they hit Jean's butt)  
  
Jean: AHHHH! MY BUTT! NOW I WON'T BE ABLE TO WEAR MY UNIFORM WITH THE GREEN THONG!  
  
Scott: JEAN!  
  
(Lance laughs even harder, and Rogue, who hates Lance and his stupid mullet, pulls off one of her gloves and smacks him upside the head, absorbing a small amount of his power and memories. He slumps over unconsiouos. Eden runs up to him and kicks him in the let and runs away from Pietro)  
  
Kitty: Yay Rogue!  
  
Rogue: Ewwwwww, Lance has a Kitty Shrine in his closet! Creep!  
  
Kitty: That's................uh.....................like REALLY disturbing.  
  
(Everyone is startled by a loud screech from Fio. Apparently, she rigged the lighter to instead light up, pop up a diamond ring. Pyro had tried to light the lighter and the ring came up instead)  
  
Fio: YES! YES! YES PYRO! I WILL MARRY YOU! (puts ring on finger)  
  
Pyro: Wait! Crikey! What the hell just happened?  
  
Remy: Why mon ami, it seems like you are engaged.  
  
(Lance groans in the cornet. Since no one wants him around, Kurt teleports him out of the room, and comes back a few minutes later)  
  
Rogue: Where did you dump him?  
  
Kurt: In his closet. Ok, katchen (spelling? oh wait, I don't care), I demolished the Kitty shrine and made it a Mastermind shrine instead.  
  
(All of a sudden Jean erupts into tears)  
  
Jean: SCOTT! I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!  
  
Scott: Of course Jean! Let's......uh...........go get some privacy.  
  
(Jean and Scott run out of the room giggling like little girls)  
  
Pietro: (with look of disgust) I don't even want to know.  
  
Eden: Me either.  
  
Pietro: E! At last! We agree on something. Go out with me!  
  
Rogue: Ha ha! Now you know how I feel.  
  
Remy: Wanna ditch these people...  
  
Rogue: (interrupting before he could finish) Yes. Yes I do.  
  
Remy: (finishing thought) And go grab some privacy ourselves?  
  
Rogue: I'd rather hammer railroad spikes under my fingernails.  
  
Kitty: EW! GROSS!  
  
Eden: PIETRO! QUIT BUGGING ME!  
  
Pietro: Come on E! Gimme a chance!  
  
Rogue: For God's sake Eden! Just do it! Give the spaz a chance! (rubs temples with ring and index fingers of both hands) Maybe he'll finally shut up.  
  
Fio: Oh my gosh! I have to call someone! (whips out cell phone and dials a number) Jess! GUESS WHAT? PYRO AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED! (pause) I need you to do me a favor. (pause) Can you find me someone who will marry two people even if one objects? (pause) You so rule! (hangs up phone and says to Pyro) So when should we set the date for?  
  
Pyro: (confused) I don't get it.... she gave me a ligher..... I opened it..... instead of fire there was a ring......(thinks for a moment) I WAS TRICKED!  
  
Fio: No you were not. You said you loved me, opened the ligher and asked me to marry you.  
  
Pyro: I WAS TALKING TO THE LIGHTER!  
  
Rogue: Uh..... WIERD!  
  
Eden: GAAAK!  
  
Kitty: PIETRO! LET EDEN GO! SHE CAN'T BREATHE!  
  
(Pietro has clamped his arms around Eden's neck)  
  
Pietro: Sorry E!  
  
(Eden smacks him upside the head)  
  
Rogue: How sweet! A lovetap!  
  
Remy: (grabs Rogue from behind) Wanna see a real lovetap, chere?  
  
Rogue: AHHHHHHHHHH! GET OFF ME!  
  
Eden: HA HA!  
  
Pietro: So, E, wanna go to Homecoming with me?  
  
Eden: (annoyed) Why do you keep calling me E? My name is E-den!  
  
Rogue: (still in Remy's clutches) E sounds like an annoying club drug. Well, now that I think about it, you are pretty annoying.....  
  
Eden: (dryly) Thanks so much. YOu know what Remy? Try this. (tosses him the silk pink scarf she's been wearing around her neck)  
  
Rogue: What the hell? Remy likes pink? Uhhh.... well I guess to each their own, but it's not really your color Swamp Rat.  
  
Remy: (laughing evilly) Heh heh heh  
  
(There's a loud ruckus and they all turn to see Fio attacking Pyro again)  
  
Pyro: (in desperation) HELLLLP MEEEE!  
  
(Kitty takes pity on him and phases him out of the ankle shackle and Kurt teleports them out of the room)  
  
Fio: (in an outrage) COME BACK HERE WITH MY FUTURE HUSBAND!  
  
(Fio runs out of the door, promising Kitty and Kurt with death)  
  
Eden: Uh, Pietro, what are you doing?  
  
Pietro: (sniffing Eden's hair) What shampoo do you use?  
  
Eden: (buries face in hands) Why me?  
  
Rogue: I ask myself that all the time. (looks warily at Remy and the pink scarf and edges away nervously) What are you planning on doing with that?  
  
Eden: Heh heh heh. I think I'll leave now. (starts whistling innocently and skips out the door)  
  
Pietro: E! Wait for me! You never answered me about Homecoming!  
  
(Pietro followe Eden out the door telling her they were ment to be toghether)  
  
Rogue: Your lesson went bust. AGAIN. Hell, this time I don't even think you ever got a chance to say what the lesson was.  
  
Remy: (raises eyebrow and grins at her) Well, Chere, since you asked so nicely, today's lesson was about getting your femme alone.  
  
Rogue: Uh oh.....  
  
(Remy quickly wraps the silk scarf around Rogue's mouth and kisses her through the scarf)  
  
Rogue: LEMME GO!  
  
Remy: Never!  
  
Rogue: I'm moving to antarctica.  
  
Remy: (singing) You can run you can hide, but you can't escape my love.  
  
Rogue: THAT'S A SONG MORON!  
  
(Remy pulls her close again and kisses her again)  
  
Remy: Thanks for comin to the Remy LeBeau Institute for the Romantically Challenged. If you'll excuse me, I need to share the love with my Chere.  
  
Rogue: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
(Remy kicks the door shut and crashing and yelling can be heard as Remy chases Rogue while she's trying to escape)  
  
Fio: (wanders back to closed classroom) Where did that elf take my man? VENGANCE WILL BE MINE! After the wedding of course!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Heya everyone! Thanks for the revies on Lesson 1. You guys make me want to write more! This was honestly something I wrote to pass the time while I was bored at work. But people like it, so I guess I'll keep them coming. Lesson 3 preview: The Wedding of Fio and Pyro!   
  
Rhodsy~ I am so glad to hear I brightened your day. *sniff sniff* It makes me happy when people can laugh at my stupidity....... *gives Rhodsy a glow stick and some confetti* Keep checking back for more!  
  
Scrawler~ I HATE LANCE'S MULLET TOO! You are so right. Lance deserves to be scowled at and maybe have his stupid mullet shaved off in the middle of the night. I've read your stuff to. *Laughs insanely* Loved it! *gives Scrawler a glow stick and confetti* Enjoy!  
  
Sashi~ *gives glowstick and glittery confetti* Did you just post that because of the next review? LOL!!!  
  
Please~ I CAN MAKE IT KURTTY IF I WANT TO! But everyone's entitled to their own opinion, so I salute you! *salutes Please and gives him confetti, but no glow stick*  
  
Dark Jaded Rose~ Thank you so much for the kind review! I've read your stuff too, LUV IT! *gives Rose a glowstick and confetti, plus a cookie*  
  
Ishandahalf~ Gee, I'm Batman! Can I call you Robin. Leaping lamprey's Robin, thanks for the review! Since you were my first review *sniff sniff* I would like to present to you *sniff sniff* this very nice glowstick, and some glittery confetti, plus this nice cookie. *runs away crying tears of joy that people like her work* 


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